We the People will RESIST!!
I’d like to start by saying that security from terrorists is high on the list of safety for our country, and many have been American citizens. Some say it’s not fair to compare DT with Hitler but the similarities are becoming more real and hard to deny. He’s tried to hush the press, even when they’ve only just printed his quotes…his very own words!! He is a liar…continually saying he never said this or that even though he’s on video saying them. Unless they totally agree with what he has to say he wants them hushed and hurls personal attacks….and that includes also others not in the press.
He’s a narcissist, caring WAY too much about how others see him and things said about him, even using his time at the CIA for his self-serving ways. He has cut off the voice of the EPA and other agencies, shutting down their Twitter accounts, if you can imagine that! Even though he is doing what he had promised his followers, he has signed way too many executive orders in too short a time frame, not taking the time to think things out, how to implement them and the consequences.
Even though I did NOT vote for him I still hoped he’d be successful because I love our country. He is surrounding himself with people like the antisemite Bannon amongst others….appointing people to his cabinet who know nothing about the job. That’s when I quickly starting losing hope. 
So now he implemented detaining those from certain countries even those with legal visas, greencards and a family deeply vetted for 2 years and allowed to come to the US, while they were in midair!! Homeland Security and the airlines have said that they did not know how to implement it. Don’t you think a reasonable person would have met with these agencies on how best to formulate a plan and get their feedback?? Not him, because he’s unreasonable and doesn’t need feedback because ‘he has a good brain’, ‘the best brain’, ‘the biggest brain’!! A FEDERAL judge put a stop to the detainment and DT”s administration said NO, the airports are to do as he said and detain. This is utter chaos!
DT is a very dangerous man and setting a very dangerous precedent, leading me to believe it’s only the beginning….possibly the beginning of the end of the America I love and know, the freedoms and democracy I am grateful for and the lack of the ‘fabric of America’ to be accepting to all and especially of those in need! #werestillhere #voicesloudandclear #weretheresistance #equalityfor all
I Don’t Know Where My Life Is Heading
It has probably been almost a year since I’ve written on here. This is a draft I started quite awhile ago and decided to finally finish. I love to write. It makes me feel productive, is self healing and touches a creative side that is positive and makes me feel good.
It feels as if I’ve taken steps backwards. I thought I had made more progress….or am I just being impatient? Have you ever felt as if you were finally making progress in life only to wake up one day with high anxiety, feeling very down and questioning everything? I’ve been trying to figure out why, for the past several months, I’ve been feeling this way. What has changed? Meditating has helped some with my anxiety but not with choosing my path. I’m discouraged and feel as if I’m barely keeping my head above drowning. I refuse to give in to it, although I must admit I’ve come close. I thank God for my family, my sons, sister and a couple of wonderful friends. I’m mindful to always try to find the positive in every day and daily situations but, still, I awaken to this feeling of dread. So many things have happened in a relatively short period of time.
It’s a feeling that I just haven’t been able to shake. There are many issues; not just the everyday annoyances but big issues that seem to consume me. It’s so hard to stay positive when you have to make the best of a bad situation and can’t walk away….just yet anyway….and honestly probably not for quite a while. You can’t start anew, leaving the past in the past and yet live in the same house, in a marriage that’s been long over and even that isn’t mutually agreed upon.
I feel as if I am merely a spectator and not a real participant in life… just existing. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful everyday to awaken and take a breath. There are others who have it much, much worse than I do.
There has to be a plan. Something I can sink my teeth into. I need a project and a purpose and then figure a way to get there. However, I first have to decide what it is that I’d like to do. Something I want to do and can earn a living at. Maybe I’ll be taking classes or starting an entry level job that will be willing to train me. Still, I can’t do that until I’ve decided what it is I’m supposed to or want to do. I have been searching jobs for some time with no success. Sometimes I worry that at 58 I am too old. There are feelings of frustration, anxiety, boredom, impatience, disappointment, and I’m simply drained emotionally and mentally. Although I feel as if life is passing me by, still I wake up trying to be hopeful and continually push against the uncomfortable; almost debilitating feelings of anxiety.
Happiness would be a great place to be………..right now I’d happily settle for contentment.
Edges
Photo 101….Edges
Horizontal and Vertical
Photo 101: Water
Watching the water can be so peaceful and relaxing, especially on a beautiful day!
Photo 101: Home
Home is where my spirit is at peace.
Always Stay True To Yourself!!!
Something very important that I’ve learned from going to therapy is that you always have to be true to yourself. As hard and painful as it was, I had finally realized that I hadn’t been true to myself for YEARS!! I had let myself conform to being a certain way in order to keep the peace and status quo.
I can see that it’s been a pattern of mine to do what is easiest at the moment, even at the risk of making things harder later on. Have you found yourself doing the same thing?
I never considered that I may have been doing damage to myself by being this way. Have you ever done something or said yes to something that you really didn’t want to do because either you were fearful of the other persons reaction or just didn’t want to disappoint? I have done so… more times than I can count.
Now I find myself older….and left with uncertainty. Uncertainty of what I want out of life….who I want to be and what I want to do. I’ve pushed my wants, needs and aspirations back and down deep. I feel as if life is passing me by and I no longer care to be just a spectator. I want to be inspired and passionate about….”something”!
I wonder how many other people out there feel as I 
do. Even though the years have flown by and now you are older do you still find yourself wondering what you want to be when you grow up?
May I Be…..
May I be HAPPY
May I be HEALTHY
May I be PEACEFUL
May I be SAFE
This mantra has really helped me lately with the anxiety I’ve been feeling. I say it several times with deep breathes before getting out of bed in the morning and throughout the day as needed. I tried it first as an experiment and the result was positive. I hope this helps you also! 🙂
Writing 101…Your Voice Will Find You
The assignment:
You’re told that an event that’s dear to your heart — an annual fair, festival, or conference — will be cancelled forever (or taken over by an evil organization). Write about it. For your twist, read your piece aloud, multiple times. Hone that voice of yours!
It was the one chance I had to get up close and talk with the actors and actresses from my favorite soaps that I had watched for more years than I care to admit. I was only able to attend it twice and it was a thrill and loads of fun. The event I’m speaking of was “Super Soap Weekend” at Disney World in Orlando and it happened annually. I had to plan my day wisely as there were several events simultaneously. It would be impossible to see every event so you’d have to pick and choose and it was always jam packed.
I’m a big fan of baseball and had brought a baseball each time to have signed. I have two of them covered with autographs. I remember the first time I had gone and it was the final event of the day and all of the stars were gathered on the main stage. 
It was a question and answer event and I believe some performed musically. I watched and saw where some of them were escorted off the stage when they had finished. Everyone watching was so focused on the stage so I B-lined it for the spot where they walked off and hardly anyone was there. I talked with Wally Kurth (Ned from GH) and gave him the baseball to sign. He was very nice and kept walking backwards with my baseball he was smiling and tossed it to me. I remember Steve Burton signing it and exclaiming that nobody had ever asked him to sign a baseball before. Robert Woods (Bo Bucannan from OLTL) was one of the nicest, friendliest and most talkative person I had the pleasure of speaking with. There were 3 or 4 others who really disappointed me but I won’t mention their names.
Some of the other’s I saw and met were: from AMC… Michael E. Knight, Debbi Morgan, David Canary and Susan Lucci. From OLTL: Hillary B. Smith, Robin Strasser, and James DePaiva. From GH: Steve Burton, Vanessa Marcel and Lynn Herring and many others.
Needless to say, I was very disappointed when they had announced that the Super Soap Weekend would cease to exist. I was even more crushed when AMC, and more importantly, OLTL were canceled as tv soap series’. I treasure the memories that I will always have of being able to have attended and gotten up close and personal with some of my favorite celebrities.
Writing 101 ….Favorite Childhood Meal
Tell us about your favorite childhood meal — the one that was always a treat, that meant “celebration,” or that comforted you and has deep roots in your memory.
Feel free to focus on any aspect of the meal, from the food you ate to the people who were there to the event it marked.
Today’s twist: Tell the story in your own distinct voice.
As I sat at home last New Year’s Eve eating my dinner I couldn’t keep my mind from wondering back to when I was a child, still living at home with my parents and sister.
Every New Year’s Eve my mother would order a platter of Sloppy Joe’s. It’s probably not the Sloppy Joe’s that you’re thinking of. It wasn’t ground beef with a red sauce on buns. These were seriously huge sandwiches that you could barely get your mouth around to bite into. I would anxiously await my Dad taking off the cellophane wrapper. Thinking of the three layers of thinly sliced squares of crust-less rye bread slathered with Russian dressing piled high with corned beef, roast beef and turkey in between the bread along with creamy coleslaw makes my mouth water, even now. The sour deli pickles were the icing on the cake.
Last New Year’s Eve I went to a local deli and ordered a corned beef sandwich with Russian dressing on the side along with coleslaw and turkey. It wasn’t quite the same as I remember from my childhood but it was close enough. My mouth watered as I approached the first bite just as it had when I was a child. A tiny bit of “home” remembered and recreated.
Writing 101… no adverbs
This was the assignment:
Go to a local café, park, or public place and report on what you see. Get detailed: leave no nuance behind. Today’s twist: write an adverb-free post. If you’d rather not write a new post, revisit and edit a previous one: excise your adverbs and replace them with strong, precise verbs
I wasn’t going to post this because I didn’t think it was very good or descriptive enough but decided to go ahead with it anyway, so hear goes…..
The loud chattering of the two ladies sitting beside me is distracting me from what I came here to do. Inside, the café is jam packed so I came outside with my coffee to enjoy the overcast cool morning and hopefully become inspired to write. My eyes keep wondering back to an empty store across the street from where I am sitting. I have often thought how much I’d love to open some sort of a shop in this quaint downtown area.
Three cute tiny birds are pecking at the ground hoping to find a crumb while hopping and chirping their pleas for food. I hear three conversations at once and my head begins to spin. I want to shout that they should all shut up and let me write. But, of course, I won’t do that. An older man riding a bike stops and says something that I don’t quite hear. I realize he is talking to his dog who has wondered toward me dragging his leash. I smile and take hold of the leash and am excited to see the sweet face of a Pappillion. I am thanked and off they ride….the man on his bike and dog inside the basket at the front of the bike , ears flying back from the wind.
The breeze is picking up and the sky is getting darker. The essence of rain is in the air and I hurry to my car with the hope that I will beat the storm.
An End To Many Things That I Love
As summer is coming to a close I’m suspecting it is the reason I am feeling kind of low. Both kids have started back at school and we are all forced into a structured and scheduled life. No more late dinners and casual days and evenings. Before long I will be back to nagging about studying and homework.
There is something that I love from each of the four seasons but it is “summer things” that I adore the most. Even when it may feel over 100 degrees at times or enduring summer showers, I can always look outside at the green plants and trees and the countless colors of blooming flowers. I will miss my nightly fruit salad of berries, peaches and melon, so juicy and sweet.
It’s back to trying to get to sleep early and setting the alarm for 5:30 am and an end to many things that I love!
Quietude
The rumbling of the ocean waves fill my ears with exhilaration
As I lay on the sand the warmth of the sun enfolds my body
I look through the slits of my eyelids at the spectacular ocean
A deep breath and I am immersed in the essence of the sea
I am filled with peacefulness, tranquility and serenity
My soul had longed for this moment
My spirit, now replenished, is rejuvenated and filled with Hope!
The Neverending Circle
It’s been quite a while since I’ve written anything because I’ve felt as if I had nothing new to say.
There’s a new “status quo” in our house. Basically, I am mostly in the bedroom. We, or I should say “I”, am trying to co-exist. He still wants things to work out while I am trying to go on living MY life. We’ve gone through many different emotions. He is sad and says he misses me and “US”. There hasn’t been much work and so he is pretty much home 24/7. Even when things were good between us THAT would get to me. I enjoy and savor my alone time.
I’ve been accepting invitations from friends to parties, lunches and going out. I know it’s bothering him, seeing me go on with my life. To him, it seems as though it’s been easy for me. We had a conversation the other day and I assured him it hasn’t been easy. I never thought our marriage would end up like it has….it’s been a total disillusionment!!!! He wavers between getting through the day and sadness…..sadness and frustration….frustration and anger…..just a slew of emotions. I never realized before just how damaged and broken he is. I feel bad for him. Yes, even after everything he has done and put me through my heart goes out to him. However, I really am doubtful that my feelings will change for him and that I can fall back in love.
The way I feel has been an evolution and not something that happened overnight. It’s been years in the making….the chipping away and lack of communication although (at times I had tried) has deeply hurt our relationship. I do know that I’ve given my ALL….always tried to make him happy and now realize that it hasn’t been fair of him to depend on me to make him happy. It has to come from within. In retrospect, I can see that through compromising myself as I have….refraining from saying things that I feel, not addressing my wants and needs….through doing all of this….I’ve lost a big piece of ME and who I am. I’ve been broken emotionally and spiritually but have been working hard on fixing ME and trying to figure out what it is that will make me happy. Actually I just want to be content. I haven’t felt that in way too long!
I always come back to the same spot when pondering this. Even if I “could” fall back in love… one thing I know for sure is…. that I will NEVER trust him again. The next conclusion is that I DO NOT want that sort of relationship. I don’t want his passwords and don’t want to feel I have to check up on him. Our relationship is ruined!!
So much for having nothing to say…..474 words later.
Frame Of Mind…..Unknown
He’s been home for at least 2 weeks. We
‘ve had several talks. One turned a bit ugly and I removed my wedding ring and haven’t put it back on.
We’ve each been seeing our own therapist but, for the first time, today we went to his…..together. I was completely honest admitting that although I feel love for him, I don’t feel an intimate love or the “in love” feeling. It was incredibly hard knowing that much of what I had to say was hurtful to him. Ever since leaving the therapist’s office I feel an enormous amount of sadness. I’ve been crying on and off and feel exhausted. I 
guess dragging up the past events, once again, will do that to you. Or am I grieving the loss of our marriage?
My mood swings have been off the charts. Right now I’m so anxious and sad and the next moment happy and hopeful. I hate the indecision, causing me even more anxiety. I will remind myself that no decisions need to be made today and remember to breathe.
I hope tomorrow is a better day!
Emotional Trance
Allowing myself to feel the pain I’ve kept kept locked deep inside for so long is 
overwhelming at times. One minute I’m feeling hopeful for my future….and the next I’m a ball full of tears. I wonder if I’d even be thinking of all of these things now had there not been any further deceipt and lies on his part. Would it still haunt me all theses years later? I guess the answer to that question really doesn’t matter. I was somehow able to overlook and allow him to talk his way around things because the status quo was the easy route. Now, all these years and lies later, I am no longer able to let things slide. I feel differently towards him now. When he comes home very late tomorrow night we may not talk until Saturday. He will tell me how much I mean to him…how much he loves me and possibly can’t go on without me. He will apologize and will mean it. I do believe he is sorry and never intentionally set out to purposely inflict sorrow and pain on me. However….he’s done just that. Without trust…what do you really have? Isn’t it impossible to regain that trust when you have already reached that point, to a certain extent….several times…only to be betrayed and lied to again? At what point does it stop? Throughout and after all that I’ve gone through with him, miraculously I don’t hate him… but I’ve reached my point!! It can only stop when I no longer allow it! To go on would be betraying MYSELF!!
He has forced my hand. I can no longer stand by and allow more pain upon myself. Now my eyes are wide open. From now on I would be consciously allowing it. If I’m to eventually have happiness and maintain self respect I HAVE to put myself first. I foresee him somehow turning things to make ME feel guilt for not standing by him. We spoke on the phone the other day. I told him all I have to offer him right now is friendship. He says he accepts that. He says he will give me my space when he gets home. I know the surrounding energy here will be extremely strained. I’m dreading that! I’m wound up so tight that there are moments I feel immobile! A knot in my stomach so big I can barely breathe. Anxiety sucks!!
Letter To My Husband
Do you really think that my feelings for you 
wouldn’t be affected? Do you really think, through all these years of betrayal, you could have your cake and eat it too, with little to no consequences?
How many times do you think I can forgive and go on as if everything is fine? Is it not human nature to feel the love lessen…a little bit through the never-ending betrayals? Do you feel as if I don’t have a right to my feelings? Is it right for me to ignore how I feel because of my compassionate and forgiving nature? Do you feel I should continue to bury what I feel in fear of how what I say will make you feel?
There are things that you experienced early on in life that you say aren’t fair to you….just as what you have done to me through the years is not fair to ME!! At what point do you stop blaming circumstances and life events for your many lies and betrayals? Could it be when you looked me straight in the eye saying it’ll NEVER happen again and promising to come to me first before acting on any deceitful thoughts and feelings? That was the here and now….a conscious promise made in the present!!
Do you think I’m saying these things to purposely hurt you or punish you? Because I am not! This is the fallout from all of the many times you betrayed your vow to me…your vow of monogamy! These are the feelings I am left with. I have finally forced my head out of the sand. I have finally and honestly allowed myself to face it all straight on! I’ve finally forced myself to examine my feelings, wants and needs in life and I’m still working through it. I have chosen to put myself first. My priority is working on me.
Desiderata
I am posting my all time favorite poem. Although it doesn’t necessarily deal with relationships or love….it is LIFE…in a nutshell!
Desiderata by: Max Ehrmann
Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly: and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter: for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. strive to be happy.
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