Emotional Trance

Allowing myself to feel the pain I’ve kept kept locked deep inside for so long is 10300297_361375770683925_7340065554742789328_noverwhelming at times. One minute I’m feeling hopeful for my future….and the next I’m a ball full of tears.  I wonder if I’d even be thinking of all of these things now had there not been any further deceipt and lies on his part.  Would it still haunt me all theses years later? I guess the answer to that question really doesn’t matter. I was somehow able to overlook and allow him to talk his way around things because the status quo was the easy route. Now, all these years and lies later,  I am no longer able to let things slide.  I feel differently towards him now. When he comes home very late tomorrow night we may not talk until Saturday.  He will tell me how much I mean to him…how much he loves me and possibly can’t go on without me. He will apologize and will mean it.  I do believe he is sorry and never intentionally set out to purposely inflict sorrow and pain on me. However….he’s done just that. Without trust…what do you really have? Isn’t it impossible to regain that trust when you have already reached that point, to a certain extent….several times…only to be betrayed and lied to again? At what point does it stop?  Throughout and after all that I’ve gone through with him, miraculously I don’t hate him… but I’ve reached my point!!  It can only stop when I no longer allow it! To go on would be betraying MYSELF!!There-are-very-few-people-who-will-always-be-true-to-you

He has forced my hand.  I can no longer stand by and allow more pain upon myself. Now my eyes are wide open.  From now on I would be consciously allowing it.  If I’m to eventually have happiness and maintain self respect I HAVE to put myself first.  I foresee him somehow turning things to make ME feel guilt for not standing by him. We spoke on the phone the other day.  I told him all I have to offer him right now is friendship.  He says he accepts that. He says he will give me my space when he gets home.  I know the surrounding energy here will be extremely strained. I’m dreading that!  I’m wound up so tight that there are moments I feel immobile! A knot in my stomach so big I can barely breathe. Anxiety sucks!!1975039_492605224174410_353037113425856033_n

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15 thoughts on “Emotional Trance

  1. No you probably wouldn’t be thinking these things, but you are going to better off for this. Looking at the long term, you NEEDED to deal with his crap and so did he. If you stay, the wound had to be opened, cleaned properly and allowed to fully heal to move forward into a better future. If you move on, you need to let it heal and scar over in order to have closure and embrace a new life.

    I said something very similar to my own husband. If he ever does this again, it will be a conscious choice. I will consider it a deliberate act against our marriage and I will be done. I told him to not even bother to hide it, because I will know. The truth always comes out. Always.

    • Thanks very much for your comments! I’m curious as to how I’ll feel when we are face to face. I toov had said to myself… If this happens again I’m out but….. Now we are married for close to 26 years. Best of luck to you also! 🙂

      • 26 years is a long time girl.. I dont know how you haven’t gone mad. i feel so crazy with my ups and downs like Im bipolar. Heading home now and I havent had real time for him to really comment about me finding this skank. I really hate so much in my heart and I never wanted to be this kind of person.. Hugs girl!

  2. Oh its like reading my past posts.. Soooo alike and different.. Its amazing.. Its really been a year and half and I thibk Im done. Its tooo much already for me and I cant give him ANOTHER year of my life. I only get one life! Im tired of wasting it angry and crying! I get exactly what you’re saying

  3. lovemyob says:

    Make sure you don’t carry the pain. Don’t let this spill over into your other relationships. Like the post so others won’t feel alone.

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