Allowing myself to feel the pain I’ve kept kept locked deep inside for so long is overwhelming at times. One minute I’m feeling hopeful for my future….and the next I’m a ball full of tears. I wonder if I’d even be thinking of all of these things now had there not been any further deceipt and lies on his part. Would it still haunt me all theses years later? I guess the answer to that question really doesn’t matter. I was somehow able to overlook and allow him to talk his way around things because the status quo was the easy route. Now, all these years and lies later, I am no longer able to let things slide. I feel differently towards him now. When he comes home very late tomorrow night we may not talk until Saturday. He will tell me how much I mean to him…how much he loves me and possibly can’t go on without me. He will apologize and will mean it. I do believe he is sorry and never intentionally set out to purposely inflict sorrow and pain on me. However….he’s done just that. Without trust…what do you really have? Isn’t it impossible to regain that trust when you have already reached that point, to a certain extent….several times…only to be betrayed and lied to again? At what point does it stop? Throughout and after all that I’ve gone through with him, miraculously I don’t hate him… but I’ve reached my point!! It can only stop when I no longer allow it! To go on would be betraying MYSELF!!
He has forced my hand. I can no longer stand by and allow more pain upon myself. Now my eyes are wide open. From now on I would be consciously allowing it. If I’m to eventually have happiness and maintain self respect I HAVE to put myself first. I foresee him somehow turning things to make ME feel guilt for not standing by him. We spoke on the phone the other day. I told him all I have to offer him right now is friendship. He says he accepts that. He says he will give me my space when he gets home. I know the surrounding energy here will be extremely strained. I’m dreading that! I’m wound up so tight that there are moments I feel immobile! A knot in my stomach so big I can barely breathe. Anxiety sucks!!