There’s a new “status quo” in our house. Basically, I am mostly in the bedroom. We, or I should say “I”, am trying to co-exist. He still wants things to work out while I am trying to go on living MY life. We’ve gone through many different emotions. He is sad and says he misses me and “US”. There hasn’t been much work and so he is pretty much home 24/7. Even when things were good between us THAT would get to me. I enjoy and savor my alone time.
I’ve been accepting invitations from friends to parties, lunches and going out. I know it’s bothering him, seeing me go on with my life. To him, it seems as though it’s been easy for me. We had a conversation the other day and I assured him it hasn’t been easy. I never thought our marriage would end up like it has….it’s been a total disillusionment!!!! He wavers between getting through the day and sadness…..sadness and frustration….frustration and anger…..just a slew of emotions. I never realized before just how damaged and broken he is. I feel bad for him. Yes, even after everything he has done and put me through my heart goes out to him. However, I really am doubtful that my feelings will change for him and that I can fall back in love.
The way I feel has been an evolution and not something that happened overnight. It’s been years in the making….the chipping away and lack of communication although (at times I had tried) has deeply hurt our relationship. I do know that I’ve given my ALL….always tried to make him happy and now realize that it hasn’t been fair of him to depend on me to make him happy. It has to come from within. In retrospect, I can see that through compromising myself as I have….refraining from saying things that I feel, not addressing my wants and needs….through doing all of this….I’ve lost a big piece of ME and who I am. I’ve been broken emotionally and spiritually but have been working hard on fixing ME and trying to figure out what it is that will make me happy. Actually I just want to be content. I haven’t felt that in way too long!
I always come back to the same spot when pondering this. Even if I “could” fall back in love… one thing I know for sure is…. that I will NEVER trust him again. The next conclusion is that I DO NOT want that sort of relationship. I don’t want his passwords and don’t want to feel I have to check up on him. Our relationship is ruined!!
So much for having nothing to say…..474 words later.