It has probably been almost a year since I’ve written on here. This is a draft I started quite awhile ago and decided to finally finish. I love to write. It makes me feel productive, is self healing and touches a creative side that is positive and makes me feel good.
It feels as if I’ve taken steps backwards. I thought I had made more progress….or am I just being impatient? Have you ever felt as if you were finally making progress in life only to wake up one day with high anxiety, feeling very down and questioning everything? I’ve been trying to figure out why, for the past several months, I’ve been feeling this way. What has changed? Meditating has helped some with my anxiety but not with choosing my path. I’m discouraged and feel as if I’m barely keeping my head above drowning. I refuse to give in to it, although I must admit I’ve come close. I thank God for my family, my sons and sister and a couple of wonderful friends. I’m mindful to always try to find the positive in every day and daily situations but, still, I awaken to this feeling of dread. So many things have happened in a relatively short period of time.
It’s a feeling that I just haven’t been able to shake. There are many issues; not just the everyday annoyances but big issues that seem to consume me. It’s so hard to stay positive when you have to make the best of a bad situation and can’t walk away….just yet anyway….and honestly probably not for quite a while. You can’t start anew, leaving the past in the past and yet live in the same house, in a marriage that’s been long over and even that isn’t mutually agreed upon.
I feel as if I am merely a spectator and not a real participant in life… just existing. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful everyday to awaken and take a breath. There are others who have it much, much worse than I do.
There has to be a plan. Something I can sink my teeth into. I need a project and a purpose and then figure a way to get there. However, I first have to decide what it is that I’d like to do. Something I want to do and can earn a living at. Maybe I’ll be taking classes or starting an entry level job that will be willing to train me. Still, I can’t do that until I’ve decided what it is I’m supposed to or want to do. I have been searching jobs for some time with no success. Sometimes I worry that at 58 I am too old. There are feelings of frustration, anxiety, boredom, impatience, disappointment, and I’m simply drained emotionally and mentally. Although I feel as if life is passing me by, still I wake up trying to be hopeful and continually push against the uncomfortable; almost debilitating feelings of anxiety.