Can You Ever Get Past The Betrayal?….Part X

I must warn you that this post is a LONG one! I am writing at an accelerated rate this week.  I need to get it all out.  My husband will be back home in a week, from business on the road.  It seems my creativity, ability and desire to write eludes me when he is home.images-26

Throughout our entire marriage he has had a terrible temper. There have been many angry outbursts but I want to make it clear that he’s never been abusive physically toward me. I have to state that I would not have put up with that!

I would often think to myself “Really? You’re acting like THIS over THAT?”  If we went just 2-3 days without being sexually active you’d be able to cut the air with a knife. Some of his attitude and anger would be about this and sometimes about something else. I would often think to myself, “You should have just been wIth him. Then you wouldn’t have to be dealing with his behavior of slamming  doors and total attitude”! Sometimes I did…. probably a lot of times … I did. The sex was always awesome….once we got into it.  His behavior was a total turn-off.

When he was away on business and wanted to have phone sex….I did.  Maybe I was in the middle of cooking dinner or so NOT in the mood…but I did…to keep him happy and try and meet HIS needs.  Through all of my concessions, of which there are many, he cheated and betrayed me anyway…..which makes me even more PISSED OFF!

It was always about him….I was always trying to make sure he was satisfied…in every way. I HATED when he’d fly off the handle!  For YEARS I walked on eggshells around him.  I would think carefully about how I would say something, knowing how sensitive he was.  No matter what, though, it was almost always taken the wrong way.  I couldn’t win and came to realize that he had a hole inside of himself that NOBODY could fill.

Through all of the years we have both stuck our heads in the sand.  Over time it has taken its toll with me. I am extremely angry and resentful.  He was always remorseful and apologized. However, with every angry outburst a piece of us….a small fragment…was ruined …lost!10177478_354034234751412_6918119445276034656_n

There have been several other incidences through the years.  Some, since D-day  and others I’ve realized just recently as I am forced to think back on our marriage in its entirety. Things I had “bought” at the time but now question. There has been no smoking gun in all of these other indiscretions. Although there’s been no proof of a physical nature, other than the”big one”, it doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened and still makes me reflect on just how much of our marriage has been a big fat lie! The fact that everything I know about is not because he came to me but because I was savvy enough to play detective and bust him….makes it worse and I can’t help but come to the conclusion that there’s a whole lot more that I know nothing about!!  No one and nothing will ever make me feel different about THAT!!

I’m reflecting on our life together, the extent of the damage done and the feelings I am left with after over 25 years of building a life together. On the one hand I am feeling kind of numb… but on the other hand I am regretful that I didn’t take a harder stand. I am furious, resentful and just plain sad. I unknowingly, because of my nature…of who I am at my core, enabled all of his behavior and actions! I am confused!!images-12

What is different now than all the years prior?  He willingly goes to therapy.  He is extremely regretful in how he has hurt me.  He has come to realize and is trying to work through deep emotional distress from his childhood…some just remembered and some he’s just finally dealing with. Right now he is fragile, depressed and going through a lot of pain in finally facing his demons.  He is now doing all of the”right” things. He shows and tells me how much he loves me and how much he appreciates me.  He trys hard and is mostly successful in not flying off the handle. He truly wants to work on our marriage and make it work.

The problem……I am, through all of his actions, left with so many negative feelings and emotions. I honestly don’t know if I can work through them, have the energy left to even try or even if I want to at this point.  It just might be too late. Although I still feel love for him…… I don’t know if I can fall back in love with him ……

So…can you ever get past the betrayal? It’s been put in the back of your mind. Never thoroughly dealt with.  Brought back to the forefront after so many years because of yet another indescretion. You took the vows….”for better or worse”.  How far do you go and to what expense of yourself?

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19 thoughts on “Can You Ever Get Past The Betrayal?….Part X

  1. Let go says:

    Just google chump lady. She has had over a million hits. Sadly a lot of chumps, which is the title she gives those who want to believe the best in others and get “chumped”. Be prepared. She pulls no punches and neither do her fellow chumps. Lots of blue language but they are a great support for each other.

  2. The thing I don’t like about chump lady is she doesn’t respect those who stay and are able to work with remorse. She thinks if you stay you’re a doormat. She’s great with people who really are done but she doesn’t respect that we have other legitimate choices.

  3. I’ve read a few of your posts. I just want to say sorry you’re going through all of this. I too think the betrayal is the hardest part. The person you married broke a very deep promise. I ask myself if trust is something that is possible to get back. How long ago was d-day? I’m about 8 months in and still carry the same questions. Though I learned to not make rash decisions. When I first found out I perhaps did everything the wrong way. Now I just live day to day and know one day I’ll wake up knowing what I must do and execute it which ever path that may be. I do not know yet. Again, I’m sorry and hope you find your peace soon.

    • Thank you for your kind words! My d-day is 10 years ago. I did eventually trust again, although never to the extent I once did. Multiple lies and things…not positive they’re were other affairs. He traveled for work…. The affair lasted…. ONE YEAR!! If there were no more lies etc… But there were. I wrote each part, which are fairly short except part x…. Then a letter to him. I still believe he doesn’t get to what extent it’s hurt US!!

  4. njncguy says:

    I read all of your blogs. Very painful (and very familiar ground for myself). Three thoughts:

    1) If possible, speak to your husband’s counselor in private so you can at least get a read on just how sincere your husband is. For example, it helped for me when our marriage counselor told me my wife’s supposed want to stay in our marriage was just a matter of her wanting a platform from which to continue to have her affairs.

    2) Consider counseling for yourself. … Perhaps even better, have your husband’s counseling change over to marriage counseling. Counseling helps. You might also get helpful insights (per the one I gave above).

    3) Talk to a divorce lawyer so that you’re prepared (in case needed). … For example, if your husband has tried to reduce lifestyle costs or has urged you to go out and earn (more) income it’s likely he has already talked to a divorce lawyer. The above two things are ways your husband could significantly lower alimony he would pay out to you in a divorce. You really need to have one eye on your own financial security.

    Sorry to say, but given your husband’s track record I’d say get ready for a divorce. You don’t sound like someone willing to live with being two timed. Let his latest “turning over a new leaf” play out if you wish (and hope for the best). But plan for the worst. It sure looks like his nature really is that of a self-centered jerk who will say and do whatever it takes to get a new start. He might well even believe he is being genuine in his “new start”. But people’s inner core nature just doesn’t change; not from my experience at any rate.

    And I have a suggestion for confirming his dishonesty. If (when) you find “proof” of another lie or affair ask him to live up to his vow to be honest. Ask him to tell you about the area of concern you have AND — importantly– that something new in this area has turned up. BUT do NOT give away what you know. Odds are he will reveal something minor in that area (giving you a “thread” you can pull on that might reveal the fuller story on this other “something”). But the chances are he will (again) lie by not bringing up what you already know. This will serve as proof that your husband is indeed still lying to you (and trying to play you for a fool). … How many such “data points” do you need? At some point it’s over.

    • I’m done playing detective. We each have our own therapist. I’ve been invited to his session this week butt not sure I’ll go. I’m not into “working on it”. He’s not a bad guy….many issues from childhood. My feelings have changed. My emotions are all over the place. One day I’m happy and the next I’m sad. Will NEVER trust him again and that’s what keep going back to….without trust what do you have?

      • I’m going in on a session this week with my wife too. Not really sure to expect. Last time we did counseling she lied all over the place. Hang in there. I have very similar feelings that you have expressed. It feels like one big roller coaster ride. It sounds like you are working on yourself though which I think is great. That’s what I’m doing as well. I don’t know when the day will come but I know one day I will wake up and just know what I need to do. Good luck to you.

  5. jacklyn says:

    I just came upon this site. I am one of those spouses that gave my ex another chance. He went to counseling, looked sincere for a while, promised he would never put me through that again…and then did it again 6 years later with an affair that had been going on for 14 months when I found out. In retrospect, he initially looked remorseful, but then I could see his arrogance rising, his passive-aggressiveness and entitlement behavior got worse, and was the most intense when involved with the recent OW. This time he was not (fake) remorseful since he saw no need for counseling and jumped ship to the OW. I realize now that it was all fake – he manipulated in order to “win” and get maximum benefit. He thought he was more clever than the counselor and humored him to look like he was sincere. Your spouse may be different and truly be remorseful, but I sure regret wasting another 6 years. I was TOO understanding about his issues, felt sorry for him. I realize in my wanting to be there for him, I neglected myself big-time. The first revelation of his cheating was devastating, but the second was worse since he clearly made a choice to put me through that again. I knew then that he was a narcissist. What really angers me is that he really didn’t care about the kids since the marriage (and their sense of well-being) could blow up any time – he took risks with that each time. Some meaningless fooling around was worth risking the kids’ happiness? You need to look at your spouse and ask the question “can I trust and actually have a joyful life with this person?” If the trust is gone (I foolishly trusted again), you may always find your marriage to be hollow. However, for a one-time cheater there may be hope that they are sincere. In my case, I see it as a choice, not something that “just happened” or “a mistake”. It’s a choice to disrespect and not care for you (or your kids if you have any). The first time I was angry at him, but the second time I was more angry at myself for believing in a person that didn’t deserve it and not looking out for myself.

    • I relate to everything you’ve said and been through. I’m still here because financially there’s no way out right now. The trust is gone….the romantic love is gone. I’m trying to learn how to take care of me and what my wants and needs are. Thanks for reading and your response.

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