I must warn you that this post is a LONG one! I am writing at an accelerated rate this week. I need to get it all out. My husband will be back home in a week, from business on the road. It seems my creativity, ability and desire to write eludes me when he is home.
Throughout our entire marriage he has had a terrible temper. There have been many angry outbursts but I want to make it clear that he’s never been abusive physically toward me. I have to state that I would not have put up with that!
I would often think to myself “Really? You’re acting like THIS over THAT?” If we went just 2-3 days without being sexually active you’d be able to cut the air with a knife. Some of his attitude and anger would be about this and sometimes about something else. I would often think to myself, “You should have just been wIth him. Then you wouldn’t have to be dealing with his behavior of slamming doors and total attitude”! Sometimes I did…. probably a lot of times … I did. The sex was always awesome….once we got into it. His behavior was a total turn-off.
When he was away on business and wanted to have phone sex….I did. Maybe I was in the middle of cooking dinner or so NOT in the mood…but I did…to keep him happy and try and meet HIS needs. Through all of my concessions, of which there are many, he cheated and betrayed me anyway…..which makes me even more PISSED OFF!
It was always about him….I was always trying to make sure he was satisfied…in every way. I HATED when he’d fly off the handle! For YEARS I walked on eggshells around him. I would think carefully about how I would say something, knowing how sensitive he was. No matter what, though, it was almost always taken the wrong way. I couldn’t win and came to realize that he had a hole inside of himself that NOBODY could fill.
Through all of the years we have both stuck our heads in the sand. Over time it has taken its toll with me. I am extremely angry and resentful. He was always remorseful and apologized. However, with every angry outburst a piece of us….a small fragment…was ruined …lost!
There have been several other incidences through the years. Some, since D-day and others I’ve realized just recently as I am forced to think back on our marriage in its entirety. Things I had “bought” at the time but now question. There has been no smoking gun in all of these other indiscretions. Although there’s been no proof of a physical nature, other than the”big one”, it doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened and still makes me reflect on just how much of our marriage has been a big fat lie! The fact that everything I know about is not because he came to me but because I was savvy enough to play detective and bust him….makes it worse and I can’t help but come to the conclusion that there’s a whole lot more that I know nothing about!! No one and nothing will ever make me feel different about THAT!!
I’m reflecting on our life together, the extent of the damage done and the feelings I am left with after over 25 years of building a life together. On the one hand I am feeling kind of numb… but on the other hand I am regretful that I didn’t take a harder stand. I am furious, resentful and just plain sad. I unknowingly, because of my nature…of who I am at my core, enabled all of his behavior and actions! I am confused!!
What is different now than all the years prior? He willingly goes to therapy. He is extremely regretful in how he has hurt me. He has come to realize and is trying to work through deep emotional distress from his childhood…some just remembered and some he’s just finally dealing with. Right now he is fragile, depressed and going through a lot of pain in finally facing his demons. He is now doing all of the”right” things. He shows and tells me how much he loves me and how much he appreciates me. He trys hard and is mostly successful in not flying off the handle. He truly wants to work on our marriage and make it work.
The problem……I am, through all of his actions, left with so many negative feelings and emotions. I honestly don’t know if I can work through them, have the energy left to even try or even if I want to at this point. It just might be too late. Although I still feel love for him…… I don’t know if I can fall back in love with him ……
So…can you ever get past the betrayal? It’s been put in the back of your mind. Never thoroughly dealt with. Brought back to the forefront after so many years because of yet another indescretion. You took the vows….”for better or worse”. How far do you go and to what expense of yourself?