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Where Is My Friend…And What Have You Done With Her?

10269645_10152024866166439_7369553995095094117_nGiftofFriendship_kindlephoto-3286181It’s been so long now.  Where should I begin?  At the beginning, I suppose.  It was 22 years ago that we met, clicked and became friends….The very BEST of friends.  Through life’s many ups and downs we were always there for one another.  Never a tit for tat…we knew we could always count on one another.  I always cherished our friendship….calling each other ‘soul sister’.  When I said this, I truly meant it.  Even if at times we didn’t agree with one another, there was no judgement and never even an argument. With this being said, it was a complete and utter shock when you severed our friendship. I will try to go back to that day that undeniably changed our relationship, and in turn, changed me….forever.

As I let my mind wander to that day, my eyes fill with tears.  I didn’t realize there were still any left, for I have shed many out of this hurt, pain and disillutionment. We were talking on the phone, as we had done daily, at least once a day….usually several.  We were in a heated discussion about a local trial that was going on.  I didn’t really have so much of an opinion saying, “I could never be on that jury.  I hear one side and believe that and then hear the other side and believe that”.  You screamed at me, at the top of your lungs, and told me “I don’t know what your problem is with guns?  You make these blanket statements about concealed weapons”!  I apologized and told you “I am sorry if I’ve ever said anything to offend you”, even though ‘concealed weapons’ is not in my vocabulary and didn’t really understand what you meant.  You said it was okay and that you should have said something at the time.  Later, you contradicted this, and told me that you had said something but i just brushed right over it.  I have NO recollection of that conversation.  Another thing you accused me of is always talking over you.  Again, this was the first I had heard about these two things from you.  I thought to myself, “Couldn’t she have found another way to tell me these things that were bothering her? Even a text, email or letter?” We continued talking for a short time after the ‘yelling’ incident about small things.  Truth is, my heart was pounding and I was in total disbelief about what had just occurred.  I was caught off guard, blindsided actually.  It wasn’t as much what you said as it was your screaming approach….out of the blue!  It was so out of character and like I said earlier we never had so much as an argument during our 22 year friendship.

I had posted on Facebook “Blood is thicker than water.  I’ll never be fooled again”.  We texted a bit the next day and several times I had apologized for my part in it, even though it still made no sense.  I texted, “I’m so hurt” and you texted back “as am I”.  I sent a message, again apologizing, for my hurtful comment and explained it was out of hurt and feeling attacked that I had posted it and had since deleted the comment.  A friend had pointed out and asked me why “I” was the one doing all of the apologizing?  Good question! We texted for a couple of days about small stuff.  After several of the texts I had said that I still wanted to talk to you.  I wanted us to talk about and work through what had happened.  You finally had found a moment to talk but I couldn’t and had suggested talking in half an hour.  You said you couldn’t and said “I can’t think about your wanting to talk anymore.  We’ll talk when we talk”! The following night, or a couple of nights later, I had texted you that I felt as if I was having a breakdown and was crying my eyes out.  You didn’t respond at all.  Ziltch…Nada…NOTHING!!

When there was absolutely no response from you after you knew how badly I was hurting, is when the disillusionment sunk in.  Because no matter what…how can you let a fellow human, much less a friend of so many years, hurt like that and not respond?  That is when I sent you the following messages: This first one from your attitude about my needing to talk: ‘So…why the attitude? Totally don’t get it?  Sorry you “can’t think about me needing to talk to you anymore!  There’s something I did, didn’t do or say that you’ve hung on to or something.  Just thought we needed to talk about how you went off on me last week and what’s really going on!  I thought we were closer than this…feel as if I’m in the twilight zone!  I’m not a mind reader….hope to hear back from you by phone, text or message! This next one is is after you didn’t respond in the slightest to my crying my eyes out (I can’t find it but will summarize): “If you need time because you need to get over the hurt and are mad that is one thing.  But if you’re having trouble trying to balance the last 22 years with this one incident and just can’t bring yourself to reach out to me even in the smallest way….then I deserve better that that!” You finally responded with this message: ‘I am glad you sent me this message.  I would prefer talk about this as opposed to messages and texting.  I did try and tell you the same day you made that statement about people with concealed permits and you brushed right over it, and as you point out “if you don’t get it out you will forget what yhou were saying”  Did it ever occur to you that while you were focused on what you are trying to say YOU didn’t hear me; or is it that what you are about to say is more important that what I am saying? (That is why I said that I was glad I was able to tell you again…) You keep bringing up the question; do I really know you??  I could say the same of you…Talk about saying something hurtful…your post two days ago about how “blood was thicker that water and that you will NEVER be fooled again”; well I guess that was okay for you to announce publicly that you were done.  Not to mention the implication that I am a deceiving, fake person…but I guess that is okay too.

You know that I put a very high regard and priority on friendship.  You have sung my praises many times about my ability to put myself in others’ shoes.  You know my forgiving nature and how I always think of others.  If I was a different sort of person/friend I would better understand all of this. It is after the following message that I had sent you that you ‘unfriended’ me on Facebook:

‘I’m sorry for the hurtful post.  I wrote it in anger after you ranted at me. I’ve never thought of you as fake or deceiving but…at the time I felt like I was in the twilight zone…totally blindsided by your screaming at me and I felt like I was attacked. I’m not making excuses if I’ve talked over you but simply said why I think I’ve done that. It’s a character flaw, I guess, and I admitted I needed to work on it! In that moment after being totally bitched out I questioned if I really knew you because I just couldn’t believe it!! I guess you’ve been bothered for quite a while and it built up but I didn’t see that at the time. I’m sorry for my part in how I reacted…was totally caught off guard and was dazed afterwards and then it built up . Bottom line is…we have always been there for each other through lots of stuff…I hope you feel I have been there for you! I should never have written that FB post and have since deleted it. You KNOW you’re the Ethel to my Lucy and vice versa.  It was stupid of me to think that nothing about me should bother you THAT much. It wasn’t so much what you said as it was your screaming approach.  That REALLY hurt me and just seemed so out of character for you…hence my stupid FB post. Again, sorry for my part. I’ve always truly thought of you as my ‘soul sister’!

Then….BANG….I was unfriended! It’s almost as if you had decided to cut me out of your life before blowing up at me. Whatever I did or didn’t do….there was no malicious intent. You never gave me a chance to discuss, to stop or start doing something I wasn’t even aware of.  It wasn’t fair to me!

After the following two messages I sent you, I was blocked: “True friends will continue to love and respect you, even during disagreements and controversies, NEVER walking away.” “No matter what we do…no matter what we say…no matter how mad were are at each other…we will always forgive each other…that is what I call a Best Friend”.

To have you not respond further, in any way and then to block me, after these two beautiful quotes was a TRUE slap in the face. Still…after a short time and not being able to let it go I texted you, even losing a bit of self respect by doing so at this point, but also to let you know I was still here.  I wanted to give you an out in case you felt boxed in by what you had said and by your not responding, just in case you wanted to reach out to me. Again…silence. I can sleep well at night knowing I tried and tried and then some. I did everything that I could to try to salvage our relationship. I’m doing better now. There hasn’t been one day in these 8 or 9 months that you haven’t crossed my mind even if just fleetingly. I won’t let this define me but will forever be changed. It’s a hurt that touches my inner being…the essence of ME…something that will remain until my dying day!

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5 thoughts on “Where Is My Friend…And What Have You Done With Her?

  1. That’s very sad. Kinda glad to know I am not the only one who has inexplicably lost a friend. In my case it was a brand new friendship but I had placed a lot of love an energy into it. I had just moved to a new city and this person became my great friend. When my husband and I bought a home this was the first person invited to see it and celebrate with us. All seemed fine…we moved into the new home and a week later friendship was over. Will never understand why…there was never an argument or an ugly exchange…it was simply over. It hurt for a while because I could not understand it. I am happy to report that since then I have made a couple of high quality friendships in my new community and I have understood that I cannot change the way that person decided to act towards me. I have accepted it and moved on.
    PK

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